21 May, 2017. 15:34

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Researchers from Australia’s peak scientific body announced a breakthrough this morning during a media brunch in Brisbane.

The CSIRO claim they have discovered a 23-year-old Yeppoon man named Graeme Ponsford – if true, the man will become the first recorded man under 25 to have that first name.

“Typically, the only men named ‘Graeme’ we encounter are international students who choose to anglicise their traditional name or simply make an appalling choice when choosing their new English name,” said CSIRO onomastics chief Ida Simpson.

“For the past 23 years, we assumed that Mr Ponsford was an international student from Ningbo, south of Shanghai. But as we dug deeper, we ultimately came to the conclusion that he was a refrigeration apprentice from Queensland’s methamphetamine coast. We were gobsmacked, to say the least.”

Attending the brunch was young Graeme himself, who said he didn’t know what to make of all the attention.

Taking the stage to tell his story, he tried to explain exactly how and why he got his old-timey name.

“I dunno,” he said.

“My parents are probably a bit cooked, you know nah? They could’ve given me a name like Chad or Brett, but no, I got a geography teacher’s name. Could be worse, but aye? I could be on the pipe like every other cunt in the Capricornia, but I’m a good boy. I have a job.”

Mr Ponsford then left the stage, leaving many diners shocked at his foul language.

That included former Governer-General Quentin Bryce, who told The Advocate it was the first time she’d heard a man named Graeme drop a c-bomb.

More to come.


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