28 February, 2016. 15:45

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

ONE WEST QUEENSLAND PUBLICAN has taken it upon himself to do his bit to prevent the out-of-control drunken violence that’s plaguing the sunshine state by putting a boxing ring in the beer garden of his hotel.

It’s a model that many metropolitan venues are now looking at adopting, letting angry patrons fight it out in a safe environment while providing great family entertainment.

“Look, if you and some other fuckwit have a problem with each other, we’ll put the gloves on the both of you and let you bastards sort it out,” said Noccundra publican Darryl Blackman.

“All you’ve gotta do is finish your drink and leave the glass on its side. That’s the sign you’re looking for a blue. Then when you’ve found the bloke you want to king hit, call him out and if he agrees, we take you out the back,”

“We’ve got mouthguards, head protection and a regulation ring. No silly buggers out here. First blood wins then we all get on with it.”

Labelled a “hills-with-eyes-brothel-town” by Tripadvisor user Maz9886, Noccundra boasts a population that can be counted on one hand. Serviced only by a portaloo that fell off a passing road train and a pub, the tiny desert town received its first payphone in 1992 – connecting it to the outside world.

Prior to Blackman hosting these barbaric drunken fights in his beer garden, there was only one alcohol-related death in Noccundra. In 1909, local physiotherapist and town councillor Miles Gregor died one afternoon after tragically challenging a passing stockman to whip a cigarette out of his mouth.

Unfortunately, the stockman missed, lashing Gregor on the throat, slicing open his carotid artery.

However, since these safer fight options were put on offer by the Noccundra Hotel, nobody has died from alcohol-fuelled violence in the town of 4.

“Last week we had this trucker flog a jackaroo senseless. By the time we pulled him off, the poor bastard was speaking Chinese, his brain was that swollen,” said Blackman.

The Noccundra payphone calls the most porn hotlines per capita in Australia. PHOTO: Imran Gashkori
The Noccundra payphone calls the most porn hotlines per capita in Australia. PHOTO: Imran Gashkori

“Nah, it’s good but. It can draw a good crowd of an evening if people know there’s about to be a good blue go down.”

Good blues are becoming rarer and rarer, especially in more cosmopolitan areas of Queensland. That’s according to Professor Gabrielle Sewell from Bond University.

“For example, you never see a good stink at Bond because the kids who come here are either the smartest in the country, which we put on scholarships, or the richest, who’s parents are willing to drop $150k on a degree in ceramics,” she said.

“But following the Noccundra model, Queenslanders should be both safer and better entertained. More pubs need to piss off the tables in chairs in their beer gardens and put a ring in. Have some St Johns ambos there and you’re away.”




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