An elite Martin Place-based finance reporter turned general counsel and secretary for a controversial banking institution has decided that his five-year-plan to enter Federal politics starts today.

This comes after the 46-year-old experienced distressing heart palpitations and cold sweats during yet another weekend of binging illicit substances on one his divorced mate’s boats.

James Whispley-Huntington, says if he wants to end up where he was born to end up, he needs to start the transition now. This means no more Bondi Marching Powder.

During an early end-of-financial-year long brunch for his firm at Woolloomooloo wharfs this morning, James makes it clear to his colleagues that he is no longer interested in the hedonistic lifestyle that comes with being a high-powered legal eagle.

He does this by saying ‘no thanks’ to his former workplace ‘partner-in-crime’ who offered him a line of cocaine at 10:15 am.

“Nah. Not for me thanks, bro” says the serial adulterer.

“I’m all good”

The roaring table of lawyers, barristers, clients and female assistants goes dead quiet.

“Pardon me?” asks his partner-in-crime, a red-nosed 66-year-old QC named Lachlan.

“You gone soft on us? [laughter]”

James, who has already been nicknamed ‘The PM’ by the close group of grown men that make up the boys club in his elite law firm, stays strong.

He knows that if he wants to be leading this country as an economic decision-maker and relatively small-L liberal social policy advocate in ten years, he needs at least five years cooling off period from his red wine and cocaine fuelled tax-deductible, linen shirt benders.

His entire office continues to stare, including his 25-year-old paralegal mistress, who is still giving him sex eyes in public despite having signed a non-disclosure agreement about their affair. James remains firm in the storm of peer pressure

“Not for me mate” he says, in a bold showing of willpower and Australian spirit.

Everyone gets the picture.

The days of hard-living are over for this 46-year-old prescription drug addict, and if his colleagues want to maintain a consistent stream of mates lobbying on their behalf in Parliament, they’ll shut up and pass the rolled up note to the partner’s son.

His degenerate mate Lachlan lets him off the hook”

“We always knew you’d be PM one day [laughter]”


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