ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A man from the engine room of the Victorian economy says he’s glad that he’s finally able to venture back into inner Melbourne.

Franklin Graham says the inner suburbs of Melbourne are full of people and things he doesn’t like.

“Actually, I’d go as far as saying I hate it all. Besides the G and perhaps the Crowne but the rest of it can catch on fire and burn for all I care,”

“And you know what? I’m going to go in there on the weekend and look at the people in there. The ones with the homejob bangs and those blokes who just look like fucking idiots. Plus all that shit. The cafes and stuff. Yeah righto mate, some of us have a shit fucking job and a fucking mortgage and we can’t just go down to fucking Degraves Street and blow $50 on a iced coffee and sausage roll. The rest of us actually have shit on. Fucking trams on the road. Fucken ding ding somewhere else, you slow cunt,”

“Sorry mate, I just get worked up a bit when I think about Fitzroy and shit. I used to go in there a fair bit when I was a kid but those fucking southside yuppie cunts have fucked Fitzroy. Fucks sake! Here I go again! Jesus fucking Christ, I hate those southside cunts!”

When asked why he doesn’t just take the natural blood pressure medication that is Queensland sunshine, Franklin got even more worked up.

“What? Move to fucking Queensland? Have you got fucking rocks in your fucking head where your brain should be? Huh?! Fuck Queensland and fuck all the other states. I’d rather have Stevie fucking Wonder drive a fucking roofing nail through my forehead with a ball point hammer than move to Queensland. Full of fucking redneck cunts. No markets. No hardcore scene of note. Why the fuck am I even still talking to you?”

Mr Graham then hung up on our reporter.

More to come.


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