ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Prime Minister has asked the people of Australia watch him try to win an election by spending enough money to make sure children being born today will still be paying it off when they’re old and fucked.

In Canberra today, Scott Morrison to reporters he was only focused on defeating the Indian itchy lung.

“It is my number one priority,” he said.

“Because then we can open the borders, once everyone has been jabbed. If I didn’t take the action I took early on, the Liberal Party would’ve lost 30 000 votes.”

Mr Morrison then paused.

“Allow me to rephrase, we would’ve lost 30 000 lives to the pandemic and my government was not prepared to do that. Had Bill Shorten won the last election, I’m sure he would’ve put our Baby Boomers and their long-suffering parents to the sword and let the Melbourne Mumps take over the whole country,” he said.

“I’m a full-termer, I’m not going to call an early election. But what this budget guarantees is that I stand the best chance of being elected. It’s essentially a $250 billion pork barrel.”

He then elected to stop the press conference there on the advice of his media advisor.

More to come.


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