28 August, 2016. 14:34

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

NAMING A CHILD THAT’S GOING to grow up on the fringe of Brisbane is a serious business.

The spelling has to be unique enough to justify the father having it tattooed above his left nipple in Old English font – and the registrar needs to ask you three times if they’d spelt it right.

But for one new mother from Queensland’s stunning Methamphetamine Coast, the challenge of naming her first born daughter has been compounded by the fact that there’s already so many children in her area that bare the names of European cars.

“Bub has a cousin Bentley and me cousins [sic] kid is called Porch so I can’t use those ones,” she said.

“I was thinkin’ Mercedes but spicin’ it up a bit, you know. Maybe M’rsaydeece? Her father was thinking Volvo, but I think that’s a bit masculine. One of my best friends from primary school was named Ferrari but she turned out to be a lyin’ dog slut so fuck that,”

“My first son’s father named him Ducati, which I hate but I haven’t ever heard anyone else being called that so I guess it’s unique,”

“Mum wants me to pick some wanker name like Elizabeth like my Gran, or something a bit shit like Bernice. They’re fucking gay names. I’m sure I’ll decide on something I wouldn’t mind having tattooed on me at some point in the future when I’ve got a gut-full of wooden chardonnay,” she explained.

The Advocate plans to follow this developing story, with more to come.


  1. Skoda would be nice. Maybe make it S’Koda to give it a bit of hip-hop cred.
    Mercedes is a pretty common Spanish name so forget that.
    Volvo? No one would make fun of her if she was called Volvo.

  2. Having lived altogether too long in the UK, I can suggest some excellent proto-bogan monikers:
    – Lotus Esprit (or Lotes S’pree)
    – Vauxhall Nova (or perhaps Vox’all Nova)
    – Humber Snipe Imperial
    – Vanden Plas Princess
    – Wolseley Nine
    – Lancia Flavia
    – Singer Gazelle
    Surely none of these pearls are yet taken by the good burghers of The ‘Swich?

  3. “Fucking gay names” really? I can’t wait for your explaination on how the names are gay. I can’t see any good reason to name a child something unique that suits them. Car names are not unique. In my humble opinion, I think it makes parents arsehats.


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