7 October, 2016. 14:34

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

DESPITE HAVING A RUN-OF-THE-MILL sob story, friendly mid-functioning drug addict Mickey Pascoe has chosen not to share it with us, saying that our interview fee is more than enough to get him a ticket on the H-line train and a medium traditional pepperoni.

Speaking candidly to The Advocate this afternoon, the 29-year-old former child star agreed that ever since he moved his daily panhandling shift to outside his local Dominos restaurant, he’s received close to 50% more than he would outside his area train station.

“Yeah, I guess people think that when you’re begging for some gold coins of the front of a pizza restaurant, you’re just looking for a meal,” explained Pascoe. “Little to they know, you don’t feel hungry when you’re high on heroin.”

“It’s a pretty good ruse, which is a word you don’t often hear these days so savour it, robot.  People think I’m just down on my luck, you know, just a bit broke at the moment and can’t afford to live where I want. But guess what, normies! I have a crippling drug addiction that you’d all look down upon if I just told you the truth.”

“Would any of you suit-wearing corporate dildos give me any coin if I said: ‘Listen to me cunt, I need a fix before I start slitting throats and sucking dicks at a gay beat. Just give me a pineapple and I’m done for a week, cunt. How many of you would cough up the cashola? Exactly.” he ticked.

Mr Pasoe’s sentiments have been echoed by the local police superintendent, who explained that his force is less inclined to move tramps on from food hotspots if it’s evident that they’re only begging to fill their stomachs.

“We’d rather give off the illusion that we’re doing something, rather than actually working to stamp out the scourge of drugs. We’ve only the budget to do one, and this is less work for all involved,” said the police spokesman.

“The overdoses give the ambos something to do as well.”



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