ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A Betoota Heights matriarch is low-key pleased today after getting the green light from the rest of her immediately family to slash numbers at Christmas lunch this year.

Glenda Hayman said she looked at the list of relatives they usually feel obligated to invite over for a free meal on God’s kid’s birthday and went to town.

“The first to go was Uncle Fred,” she said.

Mrs Hayman spoke to The Advocate today via telephone while her youngest son and staff photographer here, Gorden, slept on the couch in the break room.

“He’s nice but he’s starting to get a bit old. Like, he’s repeating himself all the time and his wife just sits there and fills a seat. So I spoke to them last night and explained that because of what’s been going on, it’s probably best if we skip Christmas lunch this year,”

“Easy as that. Next was my husband’s oldest brother, who’s a real piece of work. Treats his body like a rubbish dumb. Racist. Eats with his mouth open and always ends up with food down the front of his polo shirt. Last year, he blew his nose with my good serviettes and asked me, ‘Why in the cunt I put hot English mustard in the tomato bake,’ I could’ve driven a steak knife through his fucking forehead and waited for the cops on my Coco Republic couch in the next room,”

“So he was an easy one to trim. Silver linings I guess. This bad cough going round has been pretty useful in some ways.”

When asked if she planned on cutting anyone from her side of the family, Glenda said no.

“My family are normal.”

More to come.


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