There’s no denying we live in an age of increased learning, an adage best demonstrated by first-year uni-student Jessica Strauss who at the age of 18 now already knows everything about alcohol.

Only one 32nd of the way into a teaching degree at Betoota University, Strauss has learnt a fair deal about alcohol during her time spent binge drinking, deducing such insights as “VB is gross,” and “Rekorderlig is not even the best cider.”

“It can only be called champagne if it’s from Champagne. Think of it like Bega cheese.”

Strauss puts down her new found expertise in all things alcohol to her constant samplings of different spirit varieties, books such as ‘Wine for Dummies’ and the 2004 film Sideways.

“The film is even funnier when you know about wine. Haha, fuck merlot!”

As with any great mind, Strauss is committed to sharing her encyclopaedic knowledge of the grog with everyone she meets at university parties as a fun icebreaker.

“Yenda isn’t really a craft beer just so you know, it’s owned by Coca-Cola. Coopers is the only independent beer in Australia. You can actually go to South Australia and meet a Cooper if you don’t mind a bit of homophobic chit-chat.”

Although studying teaching, Strauss is aware that she may be finding her calling as a mixologist, stating that drinking wine and spirits may be more interesting than teaching children to read.

“I’ve even started to make my own cocktails. My dormies love this orange based one I make. The secret? It’s just goon and juice! If only the knew!”

“I’m a bit beyond the UDLs nowadays”


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here