GREG PONCHO | Polite Socialist | Contact
Greens Leader Richard Di Natale has today called for Australian parents to reconsider giving their children coal for Christmas and has even asked state politicians in his home of Victoria to consider banning the practice.
“It’s definitely giving the wrong message,” he says.
“For one, these kids learn from a young age that even if they fail academically and have no manners, there will always be a place for them in the coal industry”
“Two, the tradition itself also encourages our current culture of dig first ask questions later, there are a lot of naughty kids in Australia and they it would be much better for our environment if they had renewable, albeit disciplinary, element put in their stockings on Christmas.”
While this might appear to be one of those biting-more-than-they-can-chew leftie issues, Green supporters have today rallied around their humble leader.
Returning from the local beauty salon with her trademark two-tone birdnest ready for Christmas Day, an inner-city Greens voter has made it clear that she wants Santa and parents to be held accountable – should they give their misbehaved children coal on the big day.
Sydney NGO worker Johanna Bilby-Burner lashed out at coal-giving parents today from her Enmore home, suggesting that they’re unfit to raise a child if coal is what they really deserve.
“Some children, I agree, are more challenging than others,” she prefaced. “But, take my Jacob for example. He went through a phase this year of throwing my wallet in the bin and hiding my keys. Even when I asked him to stop, he laughed and told me to fuck off. God, he’s so like his fucking father.”
“But I’m not going to give him coal, just like I’m not going to give him a hiding. Just because he’s got ADHD and I refuse to bow to big pharma and medicate him, doesn’t mean he deserves to be unhappy on Christmas day.” she said.
However, a prominent child psychologist has suggested that perhaps a good flogging with a length of bamboo and a few heartbreaking disappointments on Christmas Day is just what ‘petulant little shits’ like Johanna’s Jacob need to put them on the straight and narrow.
John Farr-Smith explained to The Advocate that the Chinese and Russians will be walking all over us in ten years if we don’t start hardening up as a nation.
“It’s hard enough being raised by lefties,” he said. “They don’t choose to live in the real world. They like going for brunch and arguing at Ikea about what couch cover to buy for the den. Newsflash! Real people don’t have dens.” he explained.
“If you don’t teach your children to respect authority and learn from their mistakes, then they’ll end up hating the government, which will put any young person in the poor house. Giving a child coal for Christmas is a great idea if they’ve been a serious handful. Fuck, you can even blame it on some cunt who doesn’t even exist.”
