18 January, 2016. 11:23

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

KEEPING WITH THEIR general theme, the United Patriots Front hosted their annual white party in Melbourne over the weekend, playing host to dozens of proud Australians.

The popular street movement put the shindig on before their planned Australia Day protests this weekend, which members say will be a real humdinger.

During the dinner, both kangaroo and emu were served with a red wine jus. Special considerations were made to ensure the animals were slaughtered facing the exact opposite direction of Mecca and at the hands of a man called Greg.

Prior to dessert, the group held a book burning, in which any defeatist and anti-Australian literature was burned. Another item to be set alit white an effigy of Conan O’Brien, who famously wrote “the Australia episode” of The Simpsons. The patriots felt it was disparaging to Australia’s cultural identity.

Due to nearly every major Australian musician and band refusing to allow the group from playing their music, the DJ on the night said his usual bogan repertoire was quite limited.

“They made me play ‘Enter Sandman’ every ten minutes,” said the part time disk jockey. “It was either that or ‘This Afternoon’ by Nickelback. Those aren’t bad songs, in my professional opinion, but end to end like that, I’d rather eat a newspaper dipped in LSD and have lunch with my gran.”

A silent auction was held to aid their various charitable causes, including a group dedicated to fighting a proposed mosque. A total of $840 was raised, the mean figure received by UPF members from the Australian taxpayer each fortnight.

“It’s not much, but it’s a hell of a lot more than what the Australian government is doing to protect their citizens from Islam,” said one member.

“It’s like six or seven cartons of B&H Smooth, the Ford Fairlane of Australian cigarettes.”

The Footscray PCYC has come under fire from both socialists and normal people for allowing the alleged hate group access to their venue’s exclusive rooftop area.

Glenda Smacaye from the PCYC says that the club was more than happy to host the group and would do in the future.

“It’s not about everybody having equal rights or other business like that,” said Ms Smacaye. “It’s about the group being under police surveillance. Half the people in this club are serving policemen and women.”

The UPF says they plan to hold a First Fleet themed party over winter, which will only serve Australian animals in pie form. Organisers say it’ll be Thanksgiving, but Aussie.


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