ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A local young professional dropped the ball earlier this week and came home drunk enough to relieve himself the dirty clothes hamper he shares with his de facto.
“What is wrong with you?” asked Cynch Green to Brett Gunt, a leasing agent with Hubbard’s Real Estate in Betoota Heights.
“Wake up, you fat piece of shit! You’ve taken a shit in the dirty clothes basket. Get up, right now!”
As Brett came round, that sense of dread washed over him and pulled him down into a pit of panic like a fully-clothed international student floundering outside the flags.
“I wondered what I’d done,” he said.
“I had no idea how I got home. When Cynch was putting the boot into me on Tuesday morning, I thought I’d fucken near killed someone. Turns out, I’d only done some business in the dirty clothes basket. You’d think I’d driven home drunk and run over every labrador from here to Brisbane and back,”
“Anyway, when I finally got a word in, I said I’d clean it up and everything and that I was sorry. She’d finally stop yelling when I put my foot in it. Literally, I pulled the shirt the turd was on and I accidentally stepped on it and walked my own feces through the bedroom, down the hall into the bathroom. It was a bad morning. Then, to top it all off, sorry I’m dribbling but I said it wasn’t a big deal because the clothes were already dirty and Cynch just went off, hey. She was eating toast in the kitchen when I said it and she just grabbed the plate and frisbeed it into my forehead. It let off this big ceramic ping when it hit me. Didn’t cut me but I lost my sense of smell for a few days. Fucken wild, hey?”
It’s been three days since Cynch last spoke to Brett so being the well-mannered mummy’s boy he is, he decided to go and get some flowers.
“Do you know how much flowers cost? It ain’t a bunch if it’s under a hunj [sic]. I’m pretty sure the lady heard me whisper, ‘Holy fucking shit, that’s expensive,’ under my breath when she asked for my credit card,” she said.
“Oh well, don’t do the crime if you can’t pay the fine!”
More to come.
