ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A nationwide pandemic which has seen ‘one-man-bands’ take over pubs and clubs around the country has been traced back to British pop star Ed Sheeran – who today issued an apology for being the patient zero.

In particular, the spike in the use of ‘loop pedals’ was also attributed to the 27-year-old singer-songwriter.

“I understand that many Australians have lamented the death of the pub band,” said Sheeran at a press conference today in Belfast.

“And many people have blamed that death on me for introducing loop pedals and the belief that you don’t need to be in a band to sound like a band and for that, I take full responsibility and I’d like to take this opportunity to apologise to all Australians who have been hurt by this trend,”

“What I will not apologise for is getting youngsters into music. You can literally go and get fucked if you think I’d do that. Peace.”

The rise of these one-man-acoustic has rubbed many local drinkers the wrong way, according to a local publican.

Bill Buxford, of the Shipwright’s Golly Hotel in the Old City District, said he’s received a number of complaints from patrons who want music that doesn’t should like Ed Sheeran or equivalent.

“I’ve had folk knock on the office door asking us to tell the live music to stop,” he said.

“Which puts me in a tough position. I could put Internationalist on repeat all day and nobody would bat an eyelid. Some might even knock on my door and ask it to be turned up when Already Gone comes on,”

“But look, if you ask me, I’m not crash hot on Ed Sheeran’s music or his creepy tattoos – but that’s not the point. I’m paying some 19-year-old in a $9 Cotton On Fedora to make music in front of people. I’m fostering the local music scene, even if it’s pretty how ya going, ya know?”

More to come.



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