After a long week of hosting greater Western Queensland in their beer garden, Brisbane’s iconic Jubilee Hotel has today put the foot down.

With the droves of overly excitable dumb bushies rolling into town like labradors across a freshly poured slab, management at the showground’s closest watering hole have had to outsource heavy-handed security personelle.

With over 6000 ‘melees’ reported and three seperate road trains making extra runs from Bundaberg this weekend, the usual Brisbane security guards don’t appear to be up to the job.

“It’s not because the usual seccies aren’t competent or good at their job” says the pub’s owner, Constance Symes (83).

“It’s because these fucken cowboys are absolutely sending it. Just last night we had some halfwit from Augathella ride the mechanical bull until it started to blow smoke”

“Some other lunatic from Theodore managed to get his riding boot stuck inside a shattered More Chillis screen. How the fuck did that happen? He must have come through the roof”

After a week of turmoil and a fair few unplanned pregnancies conceived back in the Ekka yards, Mr Symes said he’s had no choice but to ring up a few of his ex-army mates and line up some retired SAS contractors.

“Now we’ve got blokes in face paint armed with machine guns” he says.

“I thought it would have settled these blokes down but they are acting like they aren’t there. Actually, that might be because of the camouflage…”

“Either way, it’s a relief knowing the next bloke who tries to climb over the bar is going to get hit with a rubber bullet”


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