30 January, 2016. 11:34

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Venturing from his cubicle isn’t something Michael Halpin does too often during the day – but today he had good reason to.

Hopping out of bed yesterday morning in a sickly wobbly state, he trod on his fiance’s glasses that by no fault of hers – were on the floor at the foot of the bed.

Being the proactive young go-getter he is, the 28-year-old called through to the optometrist at first thing this morning to organise a replacement pair.

“The hip-looking bird down at Bailey Nelson said to come round after lunch,” said the credit card litigation expert.

“So I did just that. I nipped downstairs and enjoyed a Stuyvo with Max from HR near the fire escape, then I moseyed on down the street to pick up the specs. At least, that’s what I thought I’d be doing.”

Just as started to really stretch his legs out on the short walk to the East Betoota shopfront, Michael was accosted by a man he barely knew, but knew well enough to stop and shoot the shit with for five minutes.

“I mean, God bless this country,” he said. “I couldn’t remember the bloke’s name for the life of me, so I just called him ‘mate’ for the first few minutes before it clicked.”

About a month ago, when he was seven schooners deep, Halpin met Jack Reprent at a work function. However, since they parted ways that December evening, Michael has hoovered a countless number of schooners and suffocated billions of brain cells with the odd durry.

“I fucking HATE this shit,” explained Michael. “Fuck me dead, I mean, I tried to give him the old ‘man-nod’ but he full-on pulled his headphones out and got himself settled in for a good mid-afternoon chinwag. I had a fair stride on, it was no dawdle. He should’ve acknowledged that I was a man on a mission.”

After what seemed a Pink Floyd-song-length conversation, Michael was able to use what social skills he had left after a weekend of recreational drug abuse and binge drinking to slink his way out of an extended conversation.

“Mate, I’ve got some shit to do, but we should meet up and crush some tins soon, aye?” he said.

More to come.


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