Australian intelligence agencies have announced they are investigating possible links to free-trade coffee retailers and frequenters of university library lawns, after conservative commentator Andrew Bolt was allegedly set upon by a gang of protesters outside a Melbourne book launch on Tuesday.

Footage broadcast by Bolt on his Sky News program appears to show two men attacking him outside a Carlton restaurant, with a third man wielding a camera.

Representatives from ASIO have today confirmed that the perpetrators most likely weren’t on parole, because they were just a bunch of timid lefties who don’t appear very handy at physical confrontations anyway.

“We are investigating inner-city cafes in the Fitzroy and Collingwood areas for anyone that might have ties to this assault” said one spokesman.

“It was pretty unimpressive stuff to be honest”

Andrew Bolt, who has spent the last twenty years accusing Aboriginal people of lying about the Stolen Generation and berating migrant families, is reportedly rattled after experiencing what could only be described as a vague form of accountability for his extremely offensive commentary.

While shocking and unexpected, the assault only confirmed that Australian men need not worry as much as women when it comes to violent outbursts from fellow males. The conservative writer, radio announcer and TV host proved that he can handle himself well, visibly giving the attackers a run for their money.

Police say no organisations have yet claimed responsibility for the pathetic attempt at assault, but Andrew Bolt has been advised to do his best to avoid the general public for fear that he might be met with further repercussions for his comments.




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