1 November, 2016 17:15


Hundreds of animal rights protestors have today been left confused and bored, as they discovered that not one of the twenty-hour horses in this year’s Melbourne Cup had to be euthanised due to injury.

As reported by the Betoota Advocate earlier, organisers of The Race That Stops A Nation had prepared for such an event, by planting an untrained veterinary professional at the finish line with a loaded lever-action Adler shotgun.

However, with all horses completing the two miles safely, protestors were left trying to think of chants that rhyme with ‘whip’, instead of ‘glue’.

Local animal rights protestor and unbearable Facebook prophet, Magnolia Smithers, says that it’s a bit harder to communicate the issues that surround horse racing when none of the horses die.

“It’s a huge worry” she said, while twirling her caucasian dreadlocks.

“Cup day is usually great for recruiting. A couple of horses dead, a couple of stories on ABC and a couple of hundred new volunteers. 2014 was a big one”

“But this year – nothing. We just can’t guilt people. Even our regulars are heading to the bar”

With the protestors chants now being drowned out by woeful karaoke renditions of Darryl Braithwait’s The Horses, Magnolia says that all she can do is hope a horses from a less-notable race dies.

“There’s still a couple of races left, fingers crossed there’s at least one fall, otherwise we’re going to have to scour country race tracks and to be honest, just as many humans die at country race,”





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