8 September, 2016. 11:15
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
With the NRL finals starting this week, clubs across the country have switched on damage control – with many clubs bringing in a flat out alcohol ban on all players – to avoid any off-field controversies in the most important fixtures of the year.
However, in the deep north, Townsville city council have reinstated their annual amnesty for all North Queensland Cowboy footballers who find themselves on the wrong side of either the law or public opinion.
“The last thing we want is to lose a player for six rounds like the Roosters lost Pearce,” said Townsville mayor, Jenny Hill.
“So we’ve asked all local media, police and pub-owners to please not report anything that might hinder our boys in their quest for back-to-back premierships,”
“It worked for us last year, and fingers crossed it will work again. We could have lost most of the side to that southern-centric Integrity Unit in if the NRL got a whiff of half the shit our boys got up to in 2015,”
With the news that five North Queensland Cowboys players have been charged after allegedly egging cars in Townsville – it appears that the police involved have been stood down indefinitely without pay.
The players were in a car stopped by police for a random breath test before midnight on Wednesday when an unknown person accused them of throwing eggs.
After the footballers were officially charged in a disgusting display of disrespect and flat out idiocy – both the local police, local council and North Queensland club executives have ask QLD Police to relocate the police officer in question as soon as possible.
“It’s disgusting,” Jenny Hill says.
“He must be new up here. We have an amnesty for our boys and he should have known that”.
The only exception to the amnesty is in regards to southern-born footballers who are likely to represent NSW in the State Of Origin series.
“In the case of Tamou getting pinched for drink driving a few years back, we can all agree that was a fair exception,”
“We spoke to the club beforehand and came to the conclusion that they would be able to continue the season without him. While we do have the support of the local cops, journalists should consult council before reporting on anything that could affect the line up,” said Hill, while dressed head-to-toe in Cowboys merchandise.
With the NRL season back in full swing, it is a matter of time until young rugby league players from low socio-economic backgrounds begin making headlines for doing things that might be considered a “bit grubby” in public places.
“Yeah, anything short of domestic violence is gonna be overlooked,” said local police chief, Ben Katter. His comments were met with a roaring reception from the local residents in attendance.
“If they don’t like it down south, they can get fucked. For too long our club was overlooked due to dodgy refs and we aren’t going to end this streak any time soon,”
“Fuck the Southerners. The North will rise again,”
The council meeting was called to end shortly after the amnesty was re-voted in by a vast majority of the citizens that were present, this was followed by a stirring a-cappella rendition of Lee Kernaghan’s Boys From The Bush by lord mayor, Hill.