Bryan Hatton has spent the last 24 minutes wrestling with the gruelling task of taking a dump while also hyperextending his left arm in order to keep the door shut, in the Betoota Hotel mens room.

It appears the door in the far-right stall has, at some point, suffered a blow from a patron’s boot on the basin-side.

Mr Hatton is now leaning forward and pressing the door shut with his fingertips, in order to stop fellow patrons from walking in on him halfway through.

“The lock has been kicked clean off” says a distressed Mr Hatton, 51.

“The worst thing is, I’ve been in this same situation, in this same stall… Not long ago. I don’t know how the fuck I forgot about it,”

“It’s too late now, I’ve already committed to this one. I’m gonna have to do a bit of mid-poop yoga”

Holding his body weight with his right hand planted on the toilet seat – wedged between his thighs, Mr Hatton is currently balancing himself forward at an angle that both compliments his bodily functions – but also keeps him from doubling over onto himself.

“I’m a right-hander. So no way am I going to use my wiping hand to hold that fucking thing shut”

“This pub is such a fucking shithole. This lock has been broken for about three-months”

Mr Hatton says that while he is confident he will be able to finish this particular number two without any drama, if it happens again – he is going to “snap it off half way” and finish defecating in front of the publican.

“That should send them a message” says a now furious Hatton, as his he elegant swanlike pose begins testing his core.


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