ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Key players in the Tasmanian Liberal Party met in Hobart this morning to decide what to do with former Attorney-General and peripheral MP Elise Archer after the fallout from her bullying and other odd behavior threatened to derail the entire government.

One option currently being discussed by Premier Jeremy Rockliff includes dunking Ms. Archer in the Derwent River to see if that will make the Member for Clarke resign and give the government a tiny chance to salvage their ability to govern.

Mainlanders often confuse the act of dunking people in the Derwent as a method of determining who among them is a witch (or wizard); however, it was introduced to the Tasmanian parliament by former Premier Jim Bacon, who was a fan of Renaissance history.

Liberal powerbroker Jesmond Hull was spotted leaving the Liberal Party headquarters barefoot, while Launceston businessman and Liberal staffer Reetus Preen was seen arriving at the four-story building on his horse.

Nevertheless, the Liberals deny that they’re planning on dunking Ms. Archer.

Premier Rockliff spoke to The Advocate this morning via Yahoo! Messenger to explain the current situation in the Tasmanian parliament.

“You may have read that my government doesn’t have the numbers to pass legislation anymore without the help of the, uh, other side of the chamber,” he said.

“While that may or may not be right, what’s most important here is that I draw a line and say this type of behavior is not okay. First of all, we discovered that Ms. Archer had been using the internet to search for forbidden items such as quality used cars and cheap furniture. None of which exist in Tasmania,”

“Second of all, we understand that Ms. Archer had been bullying people and making extremely crude remarks about abuse victims and the like. That’s also a dunkable offense. We maintain the Jim Bacon Memorial Dunking Stool for a reason! This is one of them,”

“Now today, it’s come to light that Ms. Archer has been telling people Barnbougle is overrated. That’s also a dunkable offense! The list goes on, but we are hoping the threat of being dunked is enough to make Ms. Archer do the right thing and resign.”

The Advocate reached out to former Greens leader Bob Brown, but he still hasn’t forgiven this masthead’s editor, Clancy Overell, for running over the party’s tandem pushbike outside the Manuka shops in 2006.

“You tell that idiot he owes me a bike!” he said.

More to come.


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