In the wake of the viral #metoo hashtag, out of touch men worldwide have gained some minor understanding of the sexist underbelly pinned beneath our patriarchal society.

Perhaps most surprising is retired cabbie Alistair Coote (72) who has now started caring about sexual assault upon realising the perpetrators are sometimes immigrants.

“They shouldn’t be allowed to do that! You can’t come here illegally and be doing shit like that, it’s just wrong!”

Formerly a taxi driver, Coote was vocal about defending his fellow cab drivers whenever one was accused of sexually assaulting lone female passengers late at night.

“Ridiculous. In all my years on the job, I never met a cabbie who did that sort of thing. It’s a stereotype is what it is. You want to find a rapist, you just need to look at some of these people we’re letting in here!”

When asked for a source for the particular acts of sexual assault Coote was referring to, he responded immediately that he’d heard it on “the radio” and that it was “all over the papers.”

Coote even went as far as to say that the average person didn’t need to listen to his variety of AM radio stations and tabloid journalism to form the same opinion as him.

“Just step outside mate! They’re everywhere and they’re not the same as us, they’re a different culture. They don’t treat women right, no respect.”

We asked Coote’s wife of 45 years, Mary Coote (71), what she thought of his newfound feminism and Alistair was all too happy to answer on her behalf.

“Just hang on love, I just want to finish what I was saying there and I’ve forgotten now. I’ve forgotten. Bloody hell woman. What’s for tea?”


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