A local piece of shit who loves polluting the atmosphere with the wafting smell of his own lack of self respect, has today made up for his personal shortfalls by providing a lighter to open the beers with.

Pete Wheelwright (26) has been suck back the lung busters for years now, and as his mates gradually quit, he’s one of the last remaining nicotine-dependant degenerates in his social circle.

While some of his more precious mates are annoyed by his addiction, due to all the time they have to spend in designated only smoking areas (DOSA) – they are forgetting that it always comes in handy whenever they get drunk enough to decide they want a late night durry, or whenever they accidentally buy pop tops without having an opener.

“Oi chuck us your lighter” Greg demands of Pete.

“These actually aren’t screw tops after all”

“I thought they were but they aren’t. Do you have a lighter one you”

As the night progresses and Pete’s lighter keeps going missing every time he wants to have a darb, he streamlines the process by offering to open everyones bottles for them. Like a fucking bartender.

At time of press, Pete was concerned that the budget, non-bic lighter he was using may explode in his hands soon.


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