LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact
Full time political cosplayer Scotty from Marketing has apologised today.
Not for the slow response to the flood that was a bit his fault, but for people and their massive freaking standards
Speaking earlier this week, Scotty explained that he is sorry that the standards of a governing body that cyphons a third of your income are so high during a natural disaster that was likely accelerated by his environmental vandalism.
“I mean no amount of support is going to measure up to what people need in a desperate situation like this, I’m just being honest with you,” said Scotty.
“What I am trying to say is that I’m sorry that your pretty little standards are so effin’ high! I’m sorry you expect me to come in and save the day every time it’s a bit wet or when someone breaks a toothpick! There I said it, you happy now?”
Scotty then put on what some believe was a cockney accent in an apparent impersonation of a working class flood victim.
“Aw pleez Mr Prime Minista! Come and ‘elp me famly outta tha mud! Weez ever so dirty ya seez! I’d do it meself but I never even ‘eard of a little fing called personal responsibility!”
“You people, really? Sometimes I feel like I could go out there and just start farting Subway footlongs out for lunch and you would still be ungrateful. I bet even a few of you would refuse to eat them because they aren’t gluten-free or some other stupid reason.”
Scotty then went on to explain that “Australia is becoming a hard place to live” citing natural disasters instead of his woefully incompetent leadership that makes you feel constantly embarrassed to live in a country where over half the population voted him in.
Always the marketer, Scotty was careful to give no hint that these increasingly frequent natural disasters are in any way related to global warming, which at the time or writing has far more proof of existence than the God he constantly prays to in order to stop the disasters.
“Why do you guys always ask me to apologise every time I don’t do my job? You’d of thought you’d’ve learned to fend for yourself during a disaster now. But no, apparently I am the only one who can help the nation do anything for some weird reason! State governments exist! Ask them for some bloody help! Yell at them!”
“I’ve had enough! I’m going home! Someone get in touch with Jenny and ask what’s for dinner.”
“Pasta again! For fudges sake!”