RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact

Prices are down at supermarkets across the country, customers can confirm.

At least that would be true if ‘down’ meant ‘up’ which is the real direction prices actually continue to go.

Weirdly, today’s higher prices come despite recent data from the Global Supply Chain Pressure Index clearly showing that supply chain pressures have eased.

This gives our grocers plenty of extra profit margin space to bring down their prices just like their ads promise.

But they haven’t.

Speaking with the Head of Price Setting at Betoota’s flagship Old City Coles store, Nolan Maher (36) explained to our reporter that this inverse cost/price phenomenon is not caused by anything supermarkets are doing, but by measurable customer behavioural psychology.\

“Most customers still think inflation is out of control,” Maher said while walking down the fresh produce aisle.

“And we know that it’ll take most of them exactly 3 months to get wise to the fact that supply chain pressures are back to normal.”

He stopped to hide some bruised apples behind some better looking ones.

“That’s when we’ll bring prices down to where they really should already be,” he explained.

This gives our grocers a brief but tantalising 90 day window to have one last crack at price gouging customers and make super profits while they still can.

Maher admitted that while a few cluey shoppers are already upset about this, “people still gotta eat don’t they”.

The Advocate can confirm that the need to eat is indeed a proven drive for all supermarket shoppers.

Scientists even go as far to claim that this drive is a key part of our evolution, instilled into us by God the Creator to keep us from following the Devil into death from starvation.

It is this fundamental driving force that allows supermarkets to raise prices higher even when some shoppers know they’re getting royally screwed over at the checkout.

“So it’s a race against time,” Maher laughed as he manually changed the price of Broccoli from $8.99p/kg to $18.99p/kg.

He paused thoughtfully.

“This is all off the record, isn’t it?”

He asked our reporter for like the 10th time already.

“Of course it is, friend,” we lied.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here