2024 is off to a shocking start for some who have at this point realised they have spent 100% of the new year being violently hungover.

For those who wanted to spend the last fleeting moments of 2023 having fun, New Year’s Eve parties were a great place to lift a glass and stay up late doing a bunch of silly shit to celebrate the relentless forward march of time’s arrow.

One such person is Betootan Fiona Lang (32) who spent her first morning of 2024 getting up at 11:30am, scrolling Instagram, spewing, taking painkillers, getting back into bed, ordering Maccas and realising she has gotten the year off to a shocker of start.

“Technically, I went to bed still drunk at 5am, so I wasn’t hungover then,” stated Lang, looking for any way to excuse what is currently her year of hedonism.

“New Year’s resolutions don’t start until you get back at work, everyone knows that. Yeah?”

When she was then informed that 100% of her food in 2024 was high fat takeaway full of empty carbs, Lang asked us what kind of nerds work on New Year’s Day and to fuck off.

“You’re worse than my mate Mitch who kept running around at 12:01am saying ‘I haven’t brushed my teeth since last year’ or ‘I haven’t had a wee or a wank since last year’.”

“How about this; you have been shitty borderline bully almost-journalists all year. How does that feel?”


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