ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Federal Treasurer Jim Chalmers has told reporters in Canberra this morning that the economy is still on shaking ground and the road out of this current situation is long and narrow.

In order to keep the nation’s pathetically unsophisticated economy afloat, the South Brisbane political identity has said he only really has one tool to prevent a mild recession from taking place.

“I’m always look for new and unusual places to jam human beings into,” he said.

“The Australian way of life is underpinned by two things. Digging things out of the ground and selling them to China and speculating on property. Without those two things, the economy totally collapses. If we tank the cost of housing and China decides to stop buying our iron ore, you won’t need a credit card to pay for your groceries, you’ll need a L1A1 self-loading rifle. The Venezuelan Amex as we call it in finance,”

“You know, imagine not having access to your money and you need baby formula? I don’t know about you but I’d chop down my L1A1 so it’s more manoeuvrable in close quarters and snip the tips off the bullets and head down to my local Coles. Anyone who tried to stop me would get a hot one in the thorax. A 7.62mm dummed down like that, fuck me, you’d only need one that’s for sure,”

“So to prevent that from happening, we need to import a new working class. We also need to import cashed up foreign nationals to keep house prices high. We don’t care where the money comes from. Amphetamine manufacturers in China are entitled to wash their money in Australian real estate just the same as your local outlaw motorcycle gang is. That’s the new Australian dream. Having your four-bedroom Bulimba Queenslander bought for $3m when you paid $150 000 for the cunt in 1985,”

“This new working class is what we economists call Human Spakfilla. The cracks are the shit jobs. We jam these humans into the cracks to perform these roles. Roles like aged care and delivering a pad thai in the pissing November rain to you fat arse. It doesn’t matter if they’re students or whatever. As long as they pay tax and push up rents and provided the decrepit boomer class of landlords then we’re gravy, baby.”

The Treasurer then refused to take any questions.

More to come.


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