ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The nation’s peak scientific body today has released some grim news for those that wonder about things more than others.

Researchers and academics from the Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research Organisation (CSIRO) have been hard at work attempting to answer the question of how the common kitchen kettle knows when to turn itself off after the mysterious deivce has completed the seemingly simple task of boiling some water.

A team of nearly 60 staff spent close to a decade trying to find answers but has Professor Dale Jenkins explained to media in Canberra this morning, the science behind it may never be known.

“There was a big breakthrough in this field a few years ago when the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) was turned on and we finally got to see what happens when particles, such as protons, are boosted to speeds never achieved before in our existence. The same thing essentially takes place inside your kettle,” Prof. Jenkins explained.

“We understand the science of why water boils, we understand that you convert electric energy into heat via the element and the element transfers that heat to the water via convection. That part is simple, primary school level stuff. If you can’t understand that, someone should chop up your driver’s license,”

“But how does the kettle know when it’s done? It’s not impossible to know but it’s close. Like what happened to Harold Holt? We might never know. Unless we develop time travel and go back and see. We can’t stop what happened either way, you’ve seen enough movies to know what happens when you fuck with shit in the past. But, you know, it’s hard to watch a man have a heart attack in the surf and drown, never to be seen again. But if anyone has the moral panache and pensive control to do it, it’s the team at the CSIRO.”

The Advocate reached out to Big Kettle for comment but have yet to receive a reply.

More to come.


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