ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Everyone’s favourite purveyor of frozen deserts has announced today that they’ve called in the administrators because everyone has gotten too flash for them.

With the rise of culinary television, shows like My Kitchen Rules, MasterChef and the Great Australian Bake Off, the average Australian’s taste for artisanal sweets has grown while demand for your traditional Sara Lee or Milo-covered ice cream has slowly but surely waned in recent years.

Sara Lee makes their products on the New South Wales Central Coast and employ over 200 people. These are real people and not some pop culture concoction living beyond their means in Marrickville or Northcote.

“It’s a sad day for Sara Lee and desert eaters in general,” said the Sara Lee Group chairman Richard “Dick” Pound.

“But this doesn’t mean the end of the iconic brand, we’ve pulled up our stumps early and given private equity the best chance to restructure and rejig the business to make it as profitable as it was in the years after The Castle. But yes, this is a result of the Australian Middle Class, or whatever is left of it, getting too flash for us,”

“I challenge anyone to try our cheesecake, try our apple crumble and tell me that it’s not up there with any $13 slice of some reach-around pie you’d get from some rip-off trendy bakery in some shithole suburb full of ‘grown-up’ private school kids covered head-to-toe in patchwork tattoos. A Sara Lee apple crumble, as it stands, costs 40 minutes of labour at minimum wage,”

“Sara Lee is what you get when you’re celebrating. After you’ve eaten some sort of meat roasted in the oven. For graduations, anniversaries and anything else of that ilk. Walk past the bullshit brands and get something you know will taste OK for how much it costs.”

More to come.


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