ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Australia’s peak scientific body, the CSIRO, announced this morning to the media that they’ve developed a long black coffee that’s ‘immediately consumable to the consumer.’

In what’s being heralded as the culinary breakthrough of the week, researchers have told journalists that the drink comes out of the sadistically machine hot but by the time it reaches your lips, it’s as warm as a Darwin long neck.

“No longer will the astute, milkless coffee drinker have to wait 20 minutes for it to be cool enough to drink,” said one leading researcher.

“This is a world-changing discovery. People will no longer associate the CSIRO with inventing WiFi and menthol cigarettes, they’ll be saying we came up with the instantly drinkable long black.”

The discovery comes after a decade-long quest for answers, which has come at a cost of close to $90 to the taxpayer and countless burnt tongues.

Initial research found that most freshly-brewed long blacks are ‘more than capable’ of melting steel beams according to the CSIRO.

That meant the writing was on the wall, says Linda Rouse from the organisation’s beverage department.

“The bottom line is that if you have milk with your coffee, you’re part of the reason why western society is decaying rapidly,” she said

“However, enjoying milk without the cooling milk is difficult if you’re on the go. So we put our heads together and came up with a solution for the top minds of the nation,”

“So drink on, future leaders. You can now enjoy your coffee without waiting.”

More to come.




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