ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Rugby’s Hamish has called an emergency cocktail dinner in Paris this evening after Wallabies coach Eddie Jones sensationally quit after a disastrous World Cup campaign that has seemingly done the impossible – make rugby union even more irrelevant.

Known for his penchant and unquenchable thirst for the finer things in life, millionaire Rugby Australia Chairman Hamish McLennan was reportedly distraught after Jones, who had been in the role for only nine months and just a week ago promised to stay on, decided to pull the pin on coaching the nation’s peak rugby outfit.

Since the Wallabies’ capitulation a few weeks ago, the softly-spoken party boy has been throwing an array of opulent functions across France to cheer himself up. Many of Rugby Australia’s executive team and board members are still in France, lining their colons on company dime, and Hamish is certainly no exception to that.

The Advocate understands that in the wake of Eddie Jones buying himself a one-way trip to Tokyo today, Mr. Hamish threw himself the most decadent and depraved cocktail party seen in France since the fall of Nazi occupation.

“We all had to wear masks,” said the code’s marketing pigeon.

“It was actually pretty weird when you think of it. The table was just a big circle and it was dark. Like, we sat down for entrees, and Hamish got up and demanded Jeremy Paul and George Gregan strip nude and goanna wrestle each other while we all looked on and enjoyed the tuna ceviche,”

“Then Hamish got up and did his impression of John Eales. He nailed it, to be fair. When mains started being served, they lowered an Eddie Jones piñata from the roof, and Hamish just started punching it as he openly wept. In his underpants,”

“The rest of the night was a bit of a blur, but it ended with Hamish telling everyone he was going to stay on as Chairman forever and demanded everyone take a blood oath to be loyal to his leadership. That he’s not just some egomaniac, megalomaniac millionaire who sees running Rugby Australia as some sort of elite private schoolboy finishing school or even a benevolent act of community service to his jumbo forehead brethren. Who knows, but he can’t keep throwing these parties. They’re a bad look.”

The Advocate reached out to Rugby Australia for comment but has yet to receive a reply.

More to come.


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