A new report by a leading industry body has found that the sloshy long-lunch staple of Rosé is just a more adult version of those highly-caffeinated alcopops you used to punish at high school parties.

A rosé is a type of wine that incorporates some of the colour from the grape skins, but not enough to qualify it as a red wine. It may be the oldest known type of wine, as it is the most straightforward to make with the skin contact method. Rosé wines can be made still, semi-sparkling or sparkling and with a wide range of sweetness levels. It is known for creating monsters out of everyday people, and is often viewed as a trigger for regrettable life choices.

In terms of the consumer demographic, rosé is most popular with young women who like filming Boomerang videos, and young men who have recently entered the two-to-three month relationship mark with young women who like filming Boomerang videos.

However, the findings in this recent report have finally provided the context needed to all of the chaotic things that happen after a bottle or two of this light red devil.

The new study, conducted by the Licensing Inquiries and Testing For Australian Management (LITFAM) ombudsman, has found that while Rosé drinkers may come across as mature and relatively in control of their lives – the drink is pretty much just the same as the PULSE or NRG mixers from yesteryear.

While not officially caffeinated, Rosé is just as effective at providing those that drink it with an unnecessary energy kick, similar to the response one’s body would have to those drinks that got banned back in the late 2000s.

“It’s basically Four Loko” said one researcher.

“It looks great paired with a linen shirt in the sunshine, but it causes so much shit”


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