ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A merchant banker has been forced to take time out of his hectic afternoon to address growing allegations that his youngest son, who chooses to live life as an ‘adlay’, is not hard at all and actually a ‘toy cunt’.

John Pearson, who specialises in Emerging Markets at Goldman Sach’s Old City District offices, said he’s fielded many phone calls this week, from local media to law enforcement – all enquiring whether his youngest son, Liam, was a half-way crook.

“Thank you all for coming,” said Mr Pearson to the growing media scrum forming outside his rooms.

“First of all, I’d like to apologise to anybody in the community who has had their phone and wallet taken by Liam over the years. For that, I am truly apologetic and the buck ultimately stops with me. Secondly, to the police and legal system. Thank you for being so patient with my son and we are working on getting him therapy for his anger problems,”

“Lastly, I would like to confirm reports that my son is a ‘toy cunt’. He was educated at the Whooton School For Boys in Betoota Grove, where he excelled in debating, orchestra and rugby union football. Despite being 23, he still lives at home with his mother and I in Betoota Grove. Last night, we had filet mignon for dinner. He is harmless. That’s all I’m going to say at this stage, thank you very much.”

Those in the adlay industry have been calling for Mr Pearson to address these rumours for months now and this latest admission by the BMW-owner is confirmation of what many were thinking.

For a number of years now, Liam Pearson has been living under the illusion that his quiet, privileged upbringing in Betoota Grove has been more of a curse on him than a blessing.

Soon after he finished school, gone were his usual drab of boat shoes, Canterbury footy shorts and a polo shirt and in its place, Nike TN trainers and tracksuits.

His parents noted his backpack jingled whenever he left the house of an evening.

“Turns out he was spending the money we gave him for sailing lessons on tins of Ironlak,” said John.

“Then he was spray painting his tag on buses, trains and fences around Betoota Grove. I mean for God’s sake, some of those fences belonged to my friends!”

The Advocate reached out to Liam for comment but discovered he was currently holidaying in his parent’s northern hemisphere base in Belgravia, Central London.

He did not respond to our emails.

More to come.


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