ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

As the Christmas package deadline looms closer, the adult son of our alleged creator has told The Advocate that most of the prayers he’s currently getting from everyday Australians are regarding the safe delivery of packages from a specific logistics company.

Nazareth-born Betoota Heights-living carpenter Jesus Christ revealed that CouriersPlease, a Singapore-based parcel delivery company, is causing a lot of angst this Christmas period due to their reputation for simply letting parcels go missing.

“Oh, there’s a lot of worried people out there,” said Mr Christ as he enjoyed a Peter Stuyvesant Classic (from a soft pack) on the third floor balcony of The Advocate’s Daroo Street newsroom.

“People are hitting me up, asking me to give safe passage to their parcel. Look, I do my best but I can’t really make any promises. Because, you know, it’s not really up to me,’

“If my Old Man has in his plan for you that your Wifi extender you bought on eBay goes missing, then that’s tough shit for you. Looks like you’ll have to continue using mobile data when you’re in the front room of the house. It’s Dad’s way or the highway,”

“But for some packages, I can put in a good word. Some bloke the other day bought a set of Titleist 680 MBs from Facebook Marketplace and the fucking seller sent them via CouriersPlease and the bloke freaked out. Said he would’ve sprung for Australia Post or even the thinking man’s Australia Post, StarTrack. I made sure they made it,”

“These little ratbags tried to pinch the package off the bloke’s door step so Dad put a few escaped pitbulls on them. Damn near ripped one of them to bits but you know, can’t question Dad’s plan, lest I get another clip under the ear.”

Jesus then let out a loud bark, composed himself and spat off the balcony.

“These things will kill you, mate,” he said.

“Not me, though.”

More to come.


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