ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
New South Wales Health Minister Brad Hazzard has told reporters in Sydney this morning that he has spoken to his team of advisors and the best health advice at the moment is to not get the virus because it will absolutely fuck your life and you might actually fucking die if you’re old and fucked.
Hazzard started the presser by shuffling his notes in front of the microphones for 45 seconds while clearing his throat.
“Do not get this thing, you don’t want it,” he said.
“Because if you get it, you will regret it. This virus makes you feel very sick. So sick, you may end up in hospital. When you are sick and you are in hospital, it is very serious. But beware, you may be sick enough to die at home, which we have tragically seen in large numbers recently,”
“The government would like to send our condolences to those who have died at home and their families.”
The Health Minister then violently dabbed.
“It reminds me of that Bee Gees song, Tragedy. I listen to it and feel sad for Barry Gibb, who has lost his brothers to various things. Imagine what they got up to in the 70s. As Health Minister, it sends a shiver down my spine. No, back then, I was driving up Palm Beach Road listening to Richard Clapton, as I enjoyed second-hand smoke. That will still kill you,” he said.
“And in hindsight, much like this mystery virus that is removing unvaccinated people from society. So remember, even if you aren’t old and fucked, you must get this jab. If you do not get the jab, this thing will fuck your shit up,”
“Which would be fine if you had planned on fighting it at home, but when you get sick and you go to the hospital, you fuck it up for everyone else. In a perfect world, you would have to suffer the consequences of your decision at home,”
“Much like how Barry Gibb, God bless him, would’ve had to white-knuckle his way so many strange conversations with enough Charlie in his head to give Elton John a full-blown freakout. Feeling like he could rip a phonebook in half, I have no idea what it feels like, I’m simply using my imagination. Perhaps ask an inner-city Labor member. Point being, you must deal with the consequences of your actions,”
“OK, we had a lot of cases last night and a few people died so I’ll hand it over to the Premier to discuss that.”
More to come.
