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The former Nationals leader Barnaby Joyce was asked by our reporters this morning via mobile telephone if legalising could find the troubled NBN infrastructure and rollout – who which he said, “Please leave me alone, I don’t care anymore.”

Barnaby Joyce, a popular Coalition backbencher, said that it’d ‘probably help’ with the funding side of things and that ‘half the blokes planning it under Labor were probably smoking hooter when they drew up the plans for the project’, he ultimately conceded that he’s got more important things to worry about.

“Why did you blokes think to ring me about this?” he said.

“I don’t know much about the internet, I know how to send emails and read them. I can navigate my way to Miniclip and play that downhill snowboard game with the fucking Yeti thing that runs out and eats you after you’ve done a few jumps. You know what I’m talking about,”

“You blokes should call the Prime Minister or that fucking cardboard cutout of a bloke Bill Shorten. I’m just a humble backbencher now with sore knees and a constant mild thirst. Have a good one.”

The Advocate took the advice of the former Deputy Prime Minister and sent some inquiries to the Prime Minister’s Office and the leader of the Opposition’s.

As neither of them gets out of bed before noon, our reporters have yet to receive a reply.

However, we did receive a response from the Senate estimates committee, who has been crunching the numbers on the possible profits made of the legalisation of hooter.

Darcy Brown, who works for the government in some sort of capacity, said that the money generated from the sale and taxation of the devil’s lettuce could help build ‘a number of things’ around the country.

“We’d certainly have a lot more sugar to pour in our coffee,” he said.

“And yes, the money made could fix the NBN – provided we don’t have a Coalition government in that’s hellbent on spending $60bn on fighter jets that either can’t fly or catch on fire. Submarines that are louder than Angus Young’s man cave or we could give it to private schools so they can continue to turn out the absolute lowest quality people in society,”

“The possibilities are endless.”

More to come.


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