ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Over the weekend, a Betoota Heights real estate agent was holding court in the front bar of the Bjelke Joke Hotel after selling an entire block of French Quarter apartments to an investor in China that’s planning on keeping them empty until the land value increases enough to redevelop them.

“They [China] are going to enslave us all, I tell you,” said Gilby Morris of LJ Hooker Betoota Heights.

“Don’t get me wrong, I want to sell homes to young people here in Betoota, but the fact of the matter is, they’re being priced out by grey-haired sharks or investors from overseas. Money coming in from overseas. That’s it. Also, this rental crisis isn’t being caused by refugees coming here on some wookatook fishing boat via Christmas Island; it’s the British and Irish, Canadians, and Yanks, Kiwis too. People coming here to make good coin, so don’t get up me for saying it’s only China, mate, but fuck me, there’s a lot of money in China, dude. We’re all fucked.”

“Enjoy it while it lasts, boys, Albo is a full commie. We’ll be speaking Mandarin before our grandkids can walk.”

However, Gilby freely admits he’s never driven an MG. Not one of the classic British-made shitboxes, but one of the new Chinese-made MGs that have flooded the local automotive market in recent years.

From the TAB, Rex Silverman was listening to Gilby make a fool of himself in his $299 Tarocash garbage bag.

The 68-year-old bought himself an MG ZS two years ago and curses himself for doing it.

“It’s the worst car I’ve ever owned. Errol and I owned a Captiva once upon a time,” Rex said at the urinal.

“But are you listening to that fucking prick out there? If the MG ZS epitomizes the Chinese automotive industry, we’re in no danger of being taken over and made to work.”

“It chills my blood to drive on the expressway. It feels like I’m piloting a billy cart, like the steering wheel is connected to the front wheels by a bit of rope and spit. It’s flighty, sways like it’s made of old newspapers. I think those blokes at ANCAP said it was about as safe as a motorbike in a crash. The motor is breathless. Worse than that piece of shit 3.0L that Holden put in those VEs. Much worse.”

“It is a piece of shit. Truly, it is. It takes my breath away. That fucking idiot out there needs to take my keys and go for a lap. It’ll ease his mind about the whole China thing. Seriously.”

Rex then let out a long fart, and our reporter pulled out their phone.

“Put your phone away!” spat Rex.

“Have a real piss for once!”

More to come.


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