ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Like any regional man over 50, Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce is terrified of the Sydney Sneeze.

He has seen it decimate communities – both here in regional Australia and in our nation’s many shithole cities such as Sydney and Melbourne.

Because he shares a workplace with people from Victoria and New South Wales, Mr Joyce confided in this masthead that every time he gets a slight temperature, he fears it might be the virus.

“It’s the last thing I need,” he said.

“To get this virus and cough my lungs inside out. But yeah, I’m pretty cautious about this thing. I just have to stop touching my face all the time [laughs] But ah, where was I. Yeah look, take today for example. There I was sitting in Parliament and all of a sudden, I get this massive hot flush,”

“First thing I’m thinking is, ‘Fuck me, I’ve got the virus and I’ve just given it to ever fat old cunt in this building,’ but then I remember that I had a longneck of Mudgee shiraz last night and it might just be playing tricks on me. Tell you what, I’m no Huon Hooke but that wine last night would’ve stripped the paint off a D6. I didn’t even have a cigarette last night and I feel like I’ve simply jumped out of a moving car,”

“I’d go and get a so-called swap test but I don’t want that Norman Swan gloating if I actually had it. If I’m still a broken man tomorrow, fuck you, I’ll go get one,”

“Until then, pray for Barn.”

More to come.


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