TRACEY BENDINGER | Society | Contact

Kirstin Fischer has this morning woken up with double the hangover. Not only does it feel like someone has lodged a pick into her skull, but she has discovered that she has lost yet another pair of nude high heels to that weird black stuff on the dance floor.

Kirstin, who spent her night club hopping along Betoota’s main night club strip, believes the venue that’s likely responsible for the residue is her favourite club, Reptile.

While the vibe at Reptile is unmatched, their cleanliness leaves a lot to be desired.

“It’s like they’ve never mopped the floor!” Kirstin moaned over the phone to our reporter.

“Like, what even is this shit? Do you know a scientist? Can you get it tested?”

Luckily for Kirstin the Advocate has extremely strong ties with Australia’s peak scientific body, the CSIRO, so we were able to send a sample down to them for testing.

“It’s quite fascinating really” said Dr. Martin.

“I believe it was once a rum and coke, but over the past decade it has evolved into something much more”

“The sample you sent me has developed a complex bacteria culture, likely due to the constant flow of artificially sweetened alcoholic beverages”

“I suppose the nearest comparison, for the layman, would be Kombucha”

“Although [haha] I would strongly advise against drinking this. You will die”

Despite Dr. Martin’s intriguing discovery, Ms. Fischer’s shoes, and those of every other female, are no safer than they were before. The Advocate understands that the Tough Stains division of the CSIRO have taken over Dr. Martin’s research and are working on a solution.

More to come.



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