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As both Netflix and Hulu release two rivalling documentaries about the failed ‘Fyre Island’ festival at the same time, the President’s closest Secret Service officers have finally been able to identify where Donald Trump’s sons have been for the last year and a half.
Currently unpaid government intelligence agents have confirmed today that they identified both Eric and Donald Trump junior from background footage in both of the documentaries.
A quick enquiry with the local islanders on the Bahamian cay of Great Exuma has confirmed the two sun burnt New Yorkers have been stuck there for nearly two years, as the last remaining rich kids to be stranded.
“What we have found is that both of the President’s sons had ran out of battery on their phones by the time they got to luxury music festival, and both of them have since been unable to make contact with anyone back home” said a spokesperson for the Secret Service.
“As in, even the dumbest and richest kids who got stuck on Fyre Island were able to make it home – but Trump’s boys are particularly sheltered and lack the necessary interpersonal skills to resolve the situation.”
Fyre Festival was a music festival scheduled organized by a remarkably incompetent trust fund entrepreneur Billy McFarland and rapper Ja Rule as an exclusive luxury music for only the richest and most beautiful people, to take place on the Bahamian island of Great Exuma over two weekends in April and May 2017.
During the Fyre Festival’s inaugural weekend, the event experienced problems related to security, food, accommodations and artist relations. Eventually, the festival was indefinitely postponed after some attendees had arrived, finding tents and prepackaged sandwiches, instead of the luxury villas and gourmet meals they had been promised when they paid thousands of dollars for admission.
It is believed Trump’s two oldest sons have instead survived off left over stale bread and Evian water, and found shelter in the remaining tent accomodation. Trump’s closest political ally, former mayor of New York Rudy Giuliani has since requested that the sons remain there indefinitely.
“It has created a lot less problems for this government having those kids out of sight and out of mind. I guess we better bring them back, though”
