LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
Making the most of the weekend, Attorney General and man most skilled in making a nation shake their head, Christian Porter, decided to head down to his local Bottle-O.
Parking his bike in the accessible parking space, Paid Leave Porter mellowed out the front of his local bottle shop, taking in the vibe as if he were Matthew McConaughey in Dazed And Confused.
“Alright, alright, alright,” stated Porter as he gulped from a bottle of Banana Liqueur he was brown-bagging.
Porter was halfway through an unprompted monologue about how Peta Credlin is the only woman who makes him laugh, when he spied a group of teenagers sheepishly looking at the front doors of the bottle shop.
“What the fuck do you want?” asked Porter as the group of 16-year-olds asked him if he would buy them some Little Fat Lamb.
“Ah yeah, no worries, just wait round the corner.”
After pocketing the cash the teenagers had given him, Porter waited until the group walked around the corner before yelling “Bundy!” chucking the empty bottle of liqueur in the air and running away.
“Suck shit you little fucks! Have fun snorting nutmeg haha!”
“Pricks!”
Pausing to count the cash, Porter stated he would like to put the money back into the community and began looking for homeless individuals he could pay to fight one another.
“Did you ever see that show Bum Fights? Fuck that was funny stuff! Shit, left my pliers in the bike. If we see those kids, tell them I told you I didn’t steal from them OK? Dumb fucks!”
