ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

THINKING HIS LIFE COULDN’T get any better after receiving as PS- grade in statistics this semester, one Cairns business student has had his socks blown off by adding imitation crab meat to his usual bowl of afternoon Mi Goreng.

Moving exceptionally slower than he did in high school, Max Flaghouse said his body reflects the amount of money he earns as a glassy at the local bowling club.

“I can only afford cheap things, like Mi Goreng and frozen nuggets and what-have-you. No fresh meats or fruits. Only the whitest bread ever makes it out of my poo chute,” he said.

“That’s why adding this half-dollar can of crab meat to my Mi Goreng has got my plums aching. It’s changed my life and gotten me a bit hot and bothered,”

“Maybe I’ll smoke White Ox for a week so I can afford some Siracha to squirt all over it,” he said.

The lady in his life was also mildly impressed by Flaghouse’s ingenuity, saying she’d go off the pill if he kept this sort of thing up.

When Keira Kottman first met the 21-year-old last year, she thought he ‘had more pole than soul’ – but her opinion of Max has begun to change.

“He’s always been a bit of a spunk rat,” she said.

“But I’m glad I was party to his little culinary experiment. I didn’t think he had that type of brainpower, but here we are,”

“I might have to have this bloke’s kid if he’s not careful. God knows he’d be a shithouse businessman. But he’s got a mind for food, that’s for sure. You can make a lot of coin from dumb people wanting to line their gullets.”


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