ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
England has called home Jofra Archer after the Mumbai Indians quick bowler broke down playing in the IPL this week.
The Poms hope that Archer’s troublesome elbow will be ready to go for the first Ashes Test next month, but insiders are not confident as the 28-year-old has recently had surgery and was attempting to “play through the pain.”
“He’s broken down again,” said the English Cricket Board in a statement released a short time ago.
“Despite only playing 19 Tests for the Three Lions since 2019, Archer remains a potent force in our bowling attack, and we need Jofra to be ready to end David Warner’s Test career in a month’s time. So we are wrapping him in cotton wool.”
It’s a phrase that a local Jeep owner has heard multiple times since 2011 when he was tricked into buying the Western world’s most dreadful car.
Betoota Heights man Mark Lee said he thought the Jeep Wrangler “looked cool,” which was the primary reason why he bought one.
He told The Advocate that he should have done some further research into the carmaker’s history of producing the least reliable mode of transport since the hydrogen balloon.
Since buying the thing brand new, he’s put “just a hundred and fifty thousand clicks” on it but has spent close to $20,000 maintaining it to a standard that he feels is high enough to drive at highway speed.
“This Jeep has been on the back of a tow truck more than it’s been off it,” said Mark.
“It blows more smoke than a fourth-hand whipper snipper. I’d be more confident driving a shopping trolley down the Bruce Highway than this fucking thing. It handles like a dog on rollerskates. The suspension needs to be overhauled annually. It has more leaks than the Queensland Police Force. The last time I put it in four-wheel drive, it got stuck in four-wheel drive. I didn’t think much of it until the transfer case exploded with the force of a collapsing black hole. Every time I bring it back to my mechanic, he tells me if I bring it back to him again, he’ll do what my dad should’ve done and flog me with a set of jumper leads for owning such a piece of American shit.”
“He’s joking, obviously. But you know why I still keep it? Because it looks cool. Plus, when it’s working, it’s pretty good off-road.”
“I guess that’s why England keeps Jofra around. When he’s on, there are not many better in the whole world.”
More to come.
