ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Breakfast television presenter, David ‘Kochie’ Koch broke down this morning on Sunrise as he recounted the heartbreaking story of being told by network executives that he’d have to shoot his beloved Cash Cow.
Despite working tirelessly to feed the financially-reckless bovine, the drought’s grip proved to be too tight around the throat of the nation’s most racist breakfast show.
“The boss came in and threw the station’s Remmington 700 in my lap and said it was time,” said Koch, crying.
“He took two .338 Lapuas out of his inside jacket pocket and said, ‘If you need more than two, the third one will be in you,’ then he left,”
“I couldn’t believe what I was about to do. I felt like such a failure. That I’d let my station down, my television family down. Worst of all, I felt like I’d let all the viewers down who love Cash Cow as much as us. What was going to replace her? The Koin Kookaburra?!”
Koch then openly wept on national television for 30 seconds before composing himself.
“So I chambered one round and got the lift down the to the carpark, marched slowly over to Cash Cow’s cage and did what my boss told me to.”
The currently-sad Pisces went on to tell viewers that he only needed one shot – but he ruined his suit and saw things he never thought he’d have to see as a popular white male millionaire from Sydney’s lower north shore.
“Her head basically exploded. Everywhere. Like all over my MJ Bale suit. Up my nose. The force blew my glasses clear off my own head! There were bits of Cash Cow’s brain everywhere,”
“The side of Nat’s Range Rover is still polka-dotted with brain matter! I can’t believe it happened.”
The show then went to an ad break.
More to come.
