RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact
Communist Federal Treasurer Jimbo Chalmers has handed down a budget that includes billions worth of cost of living handouts.
Typical of a Labor government, these handouts look set to only benefit poor people like dole bludgers and single parents, leaving our well-heeled Australians left behind to fend for themselves.
Of all Australia’s forgotten well-to-do, it’s our dear property investors who’ve been the hardest hit during this cost of living crisis. The RBA’s rate hike fiasco has seen the housing market drop 10%, while interest rates on loans have skyrocketed.
But according to Chalmers this budget has not forgotten our richest and therefore most important Australians. And to prove it he stood up in parliament last night and made an impassioned budget speech to directly address these concerns.
“Interest rates on investment property loans are higher than those for owner/occupier loans,” an emotional Chalmers told his parliamentary peers. “People forget that.”
“Especially our insensitive and bigoted renter cohort of predominantly younger people.” He singled out 35 year old Senator David Pocock by repeatedly pointing his index finger at him and bellowing “you know who you are” before continuing: “Young people have a complete lack of respect for our struggling property investors who have gone through hell these last 12 months.”
Cries of “here here!” echoed out across the property investor-laden chamber of politicians. Hands were clapped. Heads were nodded.
“More than any Australian, this budget is for our property investors,” Chalmers said with a hand on his heart. “Whether you’ve got 1 investment property or 1,000, whether you’re a domestic or international investor, this budget is for you.” He brought out a hanky to wipe the tears careening from his eyeballs.
“I give you more tax deductions!” He screamed as cheers erupted from the aroused parliamentarians, many of whom immediately began texting their estate agents and vendor advocates.
“No property investor left behind!” he cried out. “That’s our policy!” The crowd went nuts. Chalmers rushed up and grabbed the speaker of the House’s mic. “Let me hear you!” he roared over the noise. “Yea, louder!”
