Chardonnay socialist attempts autofellatio after reading The Saturday Paper

17 October, 2016. 13:23

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

VOTED MOST LIKELY TO BECOME a wanker in his sixth form leaving class, Christian Dopants has been inspired live up to the expectation of his peers and start limbering himself up after reading The Saturday Paper, with the hopes of one day being able to perform fellatio on himself.

The 44-year-old smart man takes great pleasure in reading the only truly progressive newspaper in the country and feels a great sense of self-satisfaction in having the attention span to read it.

So in order to celebrate himself and in the spirit of forward thinking, Dopants has set himself the personal goal of being flexible enough to get at least the tip of his penis into his mouth.

“There aren’t many things left in the world that really fulfil me as an intellectual anymore,” explained the local genius.

“Perhaps the theatre? But these modern stage companies tend to take creative licence with the Bard and butcher classic productions. I just can’t stand it. What I can stand is The Saturday Paper and the accompanying monthlies and quarterlies. What heroin was to Brett Whiteley, Paul Bongiorno is to I,”

“But after reading it cover to cover over a decaffeinated coffee and low-fat croissant, I can’t help but prop myself against my living room wall and try to make myself malleable enough to get my own genitals inside my mouth. It honestly is the only way to feel sexually satisfied when you’re as brilliant as a Saturday Paper subscriber.” he said.

Dopants expects to complete the urological circle by Halloween, a holiday he agrees is arbitrary but a “real hoot” none-the-less.