EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT
A Bondi man has today revealed to The Advocate an unexpected side effect of living the life of a modern city man in 2022.
Ian Howieson [24] told us that Dr Google reckons he has developed a Vitamin D deficiency, after spending a record amount of hours inside the house.
With inclement La Nina weather and lockdowns ruining his hot boy summer, Howieson says he finally diagnosed himself with the medical condition after ditching the trolley and VOLY-ing his groceries to the house.
The behaviour which began during a self-imposed lockdown over Christmas and New Years saw him ordering groceries online, and therefore ticking off the final reason he had to leave his Bondi residence.
After discovering just how easy it was to have booze and groceries delivered to his house, Ian soon found himself bunkering under the glare of artificial light and adapting almost reptilian-like to his new environment.
“New VOLY store in Bondi and I’m all set” laughed the pale man from his couch today.
“I’ve got no idea when I’ll be leaving the house again,” he said.
“Apart from pub trips obviously, but that’s not doing anything for the Vitamin D condition I think I’ve developed.”
“Bit of sun during the Hottest 100 party I had in the backyard helped though,” he laughed.
Torn between turning into a lizard or doing his shitty chores again, Ian figured grazing next to an open window like a cat enjoying the afternoon sun, was a good happy medium.
“I fucking hate going to the shops. Full of people rushing around, bumping into you, arguing with attendants, fighting over toilet paper and pasta”
“Why do I need that in my life when I can order fresh shit to my house, quick smart”
“They’ve got your Betoota Bitter on the VOLY shop too,” he explained.
“This is living,” he said, enjoying a sip from his crisp Channel Country beverage.
“I’ll go for a walk next sunny day”
More to come.
