ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Short of having people over 64 put to sleep and their entire wealth redistributed back into the economy, Malcolm Turnbull has hinted that his ‘make-or-break’ May budget will benefit all Australians – including entitled middle-class Millennials.
Speaking today from the Royal Motor Yacht Club in the quickly gentrifying East Point Piper district of the otherwise exclusive Sydney peninsula, the Prime Minister took a leaf out of Peter Costello’s book and told reporters that this next budget will be fair and lean.
“Our aim is to create jobs and get the nation back in the black. All the savings this budget will pass on to big business and the more senior members of society will trickle down to the youth. Trust me, I know what I’m doing,” he said.
“This time around, I’ve had more to do with the budget. As you all know, I was the managing director of Goldman Sachs Australia and I invented the internet. In my prime, I could’ve had someone put in the foundations of ANZ Stadium with just a text message,”
“But that is beside the point. This budget will appease all Australians and if your opinion is different, then your opinion is incorrect. Just let me do this, the right-faction is still hungover from Easter – this is my time to shine.”
However, according to the mildly popular kayaker, there are many people who have the wrong opinion about his new budget.
One outspoken young man, who identifies as a millennial, took the time out of his busy afternoon to speak to our reporter about the upcoming budget.
“So basically,” he said.
“He wants to give my retired parents more money, so they’ll give more money to me? How about you stop telling us what we want and perhaps listen to us?”
“I want everything my parents had but without all the unchecked quagmire of misogyny and racism that was the 1970s. They never had to struggle like me. God! This country is so fucking broken it makes my blood boil! Just find a solution, Malcolm. That’s what you’re job is.”
More to come.