CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
Betoota builder, Dolph Kennyson (62) has today experienced the unfamiliar sensation of laying cable for the first time since Keating was Prime Minister.
It’s not that he hasn’t laid a number 2 in the 26 years since then. It’s just that he hasn’t laid cable since then.
After exiting the blue sauna just after smoko this morning, Dolph had a puzzled look on his face.
For one, it’s the first time in nearly three decades where nature called naturally, and wasn’t accelerated by a hive of caffeine and nicotine swishing around his insides.
It’s also the first time in all these years he’s evacuated a tube-like excrement of soft, but shapely waste.
“What the fuck was that?’ exclaims Dolph, who has been overwhelmed with deja vu.
This comes as the father of four and grandfather of 3 finally made good on a promise that his wife thought was well and truly in action 15 years ago, and gave away the iced coffee for with an alternative transparent, tasteless, odorless, and nearly colourless chemical substance known as ‘water’ – which is the main constituent of Earth’s hydrosphere and the fluids of all known living organisms.
His body’s cold turkey response to a slight dietary change has proven that polluting his body with flavoured long-life milk three times a day maybe isn’t the best way to stay hydrated.
The career tradie’s undiagnosed lactose in tolerance was never something he was going to get looked at, and after several decades of spitty bum that started around the exact same time that the South Australian iced coffee brands made their way to Queensland in the mid-90s, he ended up just associating his irregular stool with stress levels.
But today, as stressed as he always is round this time of the year, Dolph has baked a colon loaf that reminds him of his childhood.
Dolph leans against the side of the portaloo as his mind races, before he bottles it all up with a stoic Australian male sense of indifference.
“Crikey” he says.
“That really took me back”
“I was only in there for about 12 minutes too”
“Fuck I might be onto something with this whole water thing”
“Maybe I’ll try some veggies too”
MORE TO COME.