The ongoing standoff in the kitchen shows no sign of ending anytime soon as negotiations with the spatula continue with no result.

“I’m just a wreck” said a clearly anxious Mum “all the cutlery is being held hostage by this unpredictable implement but it’s still refusing to negotiate, or even talk. It hasn’t made any demands and we don’t know why it’s preventing the drawer from opening, or what it wants.”

“I just want to know the cutlery is ok. “

“I mean, all the spoons are in there, the forks and knives. The fancy parfait spoon set that my mother gave, the big bread knife. Oh god, my new can opener, I forgot about the can opener, I only got that last month”.

Dad, now based in his Mobile Command Centre in the loungeroom, is confident the standoff will be over shortly, as he quietly explained with the aid of a whiteboard borrowed from work.

“See, if I kneel on the floor here, I can stick my hand over the edge of the top of the crockery shelf here, which is what I’ll be doing as part of the surprise attack I’ll be launching tonight.”

“I am confident I can bring this siege to an end quickly and with minimal collateral damage because if I have to eat my Sultana Bran with the bottle opener again, I’m getting the blocksplitter out of the shed.”

The spatula was unavailable for comment.


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