RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact
50 years of inflation has just come back to bite local man, Damien Hardy (68), after the penniless fool only earnt a wage his entire working career of 48 back-breaking years.
Reportedly, across those years Hardy was a full-time employee at Betoota Carpets and Curtains, rising through the ranks from customer assistant to regional store manager. However despite his strong work ethic, his honesty and his decency, the broke joke’s wage didn’t keep up with inflation over those years, so he only ended up worse than when he started.
This occurred despite the good fellow receiving pay rises every couple of years.
“Betoota Carpets and Curtains was a wonderful place to work,” Hardy told our reporter from the comfort of his mobile home’s living room. “I was good to them. They were good to me.”
“I got pay rises most years, worked my way right up to management,” he continued, offering us a glass of green cordial because he couldn’t afford beers. “But every year it felt like I had less money to live on.”
The Advocate can confirm that despite Hardy’s striking career trajectory and his many pay rises, the poor bastard did indeed end up with less money each year due to the fact that the cost of living outstripped any wage growth he ever enjoyed.
And this effect only became more pronounced the longer he worked.
“The last 10 years especially, I’ve really noticed how my wage doesn’t go far at all.” He paused, began to sob like a broken down old Jalopy in the scrap yard.
“All I ever did was work hard and do the right thing. Why does God hate me?” he asked our reporter.
Being a good-for-nothing, Godless atheist with no respect for anything greater than themselves, our reporter simply scoffed, told him he should’ve invested in Microsoft back in the 2000s.
“I went out for a hamburger and fries last night, had one drink. It cost me $42.50,” Hardy went on.
“10 years ago I would’ve bought that for $10. What happened to this country?!” A reasonable question from a reasonable man.
“The burger was terrible, too,” he said, annoyed.
This Masthead has interview hundreds of Betootians over the years in similar situations. From the data we’ve collected, it can be confirmed that low wage growth sucks and high inflation sucks even more.
Moreover, our expert financial analysts ran the numbers and have concluded that if you only earn a full-time wage for 40 or 50 years, and not do anything else with money like pick the next Microsoft stock or buy a house or something unattainable like that, then inflation will destroy you too.
More to come.